By Melissa Robinson-Brown, PhD Renewed Focus Founder & Executive Director
Let’s be honest—the holidays can bring out the best in people… and sometimes the absolute worst. The media would have you believe this time of year is all about the cheer, the fun holiday decorations, the sexy silver jeans from Old Navy that make your bootay look great (have you seen the Jhud commercial? I want her whole outfit….but I digress), and the time spent with family that only looks this beautiful at this time of the year. But what happens if those happy go lucky, candy sweet images don’t align or work for you?
If you’re already bracing yourself for the yearly family chaos, you’re not alone. From unsolicited life advice (Aunty Doreen: “So girl, when are you finally gonna settle down and give me a great grand niece or nephew”) to your overly and victim role mama who can’t HELP but comment on your outfit or how you’re wearing your hair to the relative who is always trying to stir up some ish, the holiday table can feel like a minefield. But come in closer for a second because I have something to tell you. Get really close. —YOU can get through it without getting pulled into the mess and YOU always have choices about how to handle this time of year. So check out these tips. Grab what you need and leave the rest.
1. Boundaries Are Non-Negotiable
First thing’s first: boundaries. I know you’ve heard this a million times but this is SO key! If you’re not setting them, you’re basically giving folks free reign to push your buttons. And let’s be clear: boundaries don’t make you the Grinch; they just make sure you leave the gathering with your peace intact. And remember, boundaries are about you and your behavior. You cannot control anyone else’s behavior even if they are your family.
How to set ‘em and mean it:
- Decide what’s off limits before you even show up AND communicate that to others. Be direct. “Let’s skip the questions about my love life, okay?” There’s no need to argue or explain yourself. And let folks know if they don’t respect that request, you will ignore the question and/or exit the conversation. Again, this is about your behavior and not theirs.
- Hold the line. When someone steps over your boundary (‘cause you know that no matter how much you try to prep, someone will think those rules don’t apply to them), call it out once and move on. A simple, “I’m not discussing that,” will do the job.
- Protect your time. If things start heading south, it’s okay to make a graceful exit. Don’t feel obligated to stick around if the vibe isn’t working for you.
2. Stop Expecting a Holiday Miracle
If you’re hoping for your family to magically be on their best behavior, then unfortunately, the joke’s on you. You’re setting yourself up for disappointments if you think your family will magically become a better version of themselves just because it’s December. Instead, the hack is to know what you’re walking into and manage your own holiday expectations.
How to manage expectations:
- Let go of the fairy tale. Don’t expect perfection, and don’t expect everyone to be on their best behavior. The less you expect, the less they can disappoint you.
- Mentally prep for known triggers. You already know what’s likely to come up, so plan how you’ll handle it. Decide on your go-to responses and stick to them. And perhaps even avoid those people who are the most likely to trigger you.
- Control your reactions. They can do or say whatever, but your response is the only thing you can control. Don’t give them the satisfaction of a reaction.
3. Keep a Drama Exit Strategy Ready
Even with all the prep in the world, sometimes drama just pops off. If your goal is to diffuse family tension, make sure you have a game plan to shut things down before they escalate. This can save you from getting dragged into something you didn’t sign up for.
How to keep it cool:
- Shift the subject. When the conversation starts heading into drama territory, don’t hesitate to steer it somewhere else to avoid arguments at the family gathering. Keep a few topics ready to redirect, like, “So, who’s ready for dessert?” or “Have you seen that new show on Netflix?”
- Five-minute reset. Sometimes you just need to take a beat! Step out, take a breather, practice some paced breathing, and then try again. A little space can keep things from spiraling.
- Use humor to break tension. Just a quick laugh or a lighthearted comment (but never sarcasm—that can backfire) can ease the vibe. You’re there to have a good time, not to be pulled into someone else’s stress.
4. Decide What You’re Bringing to the Table
Nah, I’m not talking about the yummy potatoes au gratin that you slay every year (although keeping something you’d enjoy on hand may add more joy to your experience). The thing is, you get to choose how you show up, no matter what everyone else is doing. Instead of just rolling up and hoping for the best, go in with an intention and keep yourself grounded in this intention. Whether it’s keeping things light, focusing on the positive, or just getting through the day drama-free, decide in advance what you’re not willing to get pulled into.
How to set a family holiday intention:
- Picture your best-case scenario. Decide what you want this holiday to feel like for you. Focus on that and let everything else roll off your back.
- Affirm your vibe. Before you even walk in, remind yourself of what you’re there for. Something like, “I’m here for joy, not stress,” can keep you on track.
- Find your support. Whether it’s a partner or a friend who gets it, having someone in your corner to keep you grounded can be a game changer. Even if that person isn’t in the room, perhaps they can be on standby via text.
5. Just Don’t Go
SOOOOO, sometimes the best way to handle family drama… is to skip it altogether! Yep…I said it—you don’t have to go if you know it’s going to drain you or stir up stress you don’t need. Choosing not to attend the family gathering is a bold, self-respecting move that prioritizes your mental and emotional well-being. The holidays don’t have to mean putting yourself through the wringer for the sake of tradition.
Also transparency note here: I know for some families, especially families of color who tend to come from a more collectivist point of view, the idea of fully skipping the gathering feels disrespectful to tradition and impossible. I want to hold space for that and note that some of these other tips may be more helpful than this one and that’s ok.
How to Decide If Skipping Is the Right Move:
- Listen to Your Gut. If you’re already dreading the gathering weeks in advance and feeling weighed down by just the thought of being there, that’s your intuition speaking loud and clear. Sometimes the best decision for your peace is to sit this one out.
- Weigh the Impact. Ask yourself, “Will going help me feel more connected, or just more drained?” If you know the experience will only add stress, you have every right to opt out.
- Consider Alternative Plans. If the idea of missing out is what’s holding you back, create a plan that still brings holiday cheer. Maybe you celebrate with a smaller, chosen group of friends, plan a relaxing solo day, or even take a last-minute trip. I bet yummy cocktails on a beach would be one kick-ass way to ring in the holiday season.
How to Communicate Your Choice (Without the Guilt):
- Be Direct but Kind. Let your family know you won’t be joining this year, and keep it simple: “This year, I’m choosing to spend the holidays differently, but I’m looking forward to seeing you all soon.” No need to give a detailed explanation.
- Offer a Later Get-Together. If you still want to stay connected, suggest a different time to catch up one-on-one. This can help you keep relationships strong on your own terms.
- Stand Firm. If your family pushes back, remember: you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Respecting your needs isn’t selfish; it’s healthy.
Choosing not to attend family gatherings might feel radical, but for some, it’s the healthiest choice they can make. This isn’t about avoiding people—it’s about setting limits where you need them most.
Final Thoughts: It’s Your Holiday Too
Let’s make one thing clear: you deserve to enjoy your holiday without getting sucked into unnecessary drama. You’re there for the food, the laughter, the memories—not the nonsense. So take charge, hold those boundaries, and keep your vibe intact. You’ve got this.
Ready for Extra Support to Master Family Drama?
If navigating holiday family drama feels like a tall order, we’ve got you covered. Join our upcoming masterclass, Holiday Game Plan: Mastering Family Drama Through the Season and Thriving—where we’ll dive deep into practical tools and real strategies to keep your peace intact and make this holiday season truly enjoyable.
Mark your calendar: December 5, 2024, at 8 pm. Whether you need a solid game plan, new ways to set boundaries, or just a little extra support, this masterclass has it all.
👉 Get on the waitlist now (or click the link if it’s set up) to save your spot, and head into the season ready to thrive, not just survive!
