By: Melissa “Dr. Mel” Robinson-Brown, Ph.D. | Founder & CEO | Senior Psychologist | Renewed Focus Psychology Services.
Ever cried in your car before work, pulled yourself together, and walked into the office like everything was fine?
Or sat through a meeting smiling and nodding while internally thinking, What the actual hell is happening here?
Maybe you’re the dependable one. The problem solver. The person who gets things done, even when you’re running on fumes.
Nobody suspects a thing.
Because you’ve gotten really good at wearing the mask.
And girlfriend, that mask can get HEAVY.
And I’m not talking about the LED masks that are getting promoted like crazy these days to soften our wrinkles.
Nah. I’m talking about the masks we wear so often that we start forgetting what we look like without them.
When the Mask Cracks
About 10 years ago, I was eight months pregnant, sitting across from my boss, trying desperately not to cry.
He was trying to convince me that a decision they’d made that took away some of my supervisory power was in everyone’s best interest.
It wasn’t.
We both knew it.
So, I listened. Nodded. Affirmed. Barely opened my mouth.
Because I knew the angrier I got, the more hurt and unseen I felt…the closer I’d get to tears.
And as a woman in a corporate space, crying at work always seemed taboo.
Like it affirmed messaging that already lives in many people’s thoughts:
Too sensitive. Can’t handle it. Not built for the big seat.
He could see me holding it together. So, he kept pushing. And pushing. Until I cried.
And then he just sat there and watched me.
No softening. No “let’s take a minute.” Nothing. It felt like he got something out of breaking me.
I walked back to my office and sat there for a long time. Questioning myself. Mad that I had “let” him get under my skin.
I even blamed my pregnancy hormones. Because apparently, being eight months pregnant was easier to blame than acknowledging how inappropriate the situation was.
That’s how deep the mask goes.
Even after someone pushes you to your breaking point, you still make it about you.
I hated that soul-sucking job.
And I know many of us have sat in similar seats, masks on, trying so hard to protect yourself because others knowing about the vulnerable parts of you doesn’t always feel safe.
But it does have me wondering. . .
What happens when the people contributing to our workplace stress are also the people pushing us to reveal the very emotions we’re desperately trying to conceal?
The Performance of Being Fine
Workplace masking is the emotional labor of concealing what we’re experiencing to appear professional, agreeable, capable, or unbothered.
Sometimes it’s intentional. Sometimes we’ve been doing it for so long that we don’t even recognize it.
For high-achieving women, particularly those who’ve learned that competence means never appearing overwhelmed, masking can become second nature.
But there’s a cost.
You can meet every deadline, answer every email, and still experience emotional exhaustion, work anxiety, and burnout symptoms
What some call high-functioning anxiety can look like success on the outside and relentless distress on the inside. It’s not a formal diagnosis, but the experience is familiar.
Functioning isn’t the same thing as thriving.
And sometimes, functioning is simply surviving with excellent time management.
But here’s where things get complicated.
Some workplaces demand emotional control while creating conditions that make maintaining it nearly impossible. They expect you to remain composed while dismissing your concerns, challenging your experiences, or pushing past your boundaries.
And when you finally react? Suddenly, the conversation shifts from what happened to how you responded.
Interesting how that works, isn’t it?
Not every difficult interaction is intentional manipulation. But let’s not ignore the power dynamics at play. When someone has influence over your livelihood, reputation, or advancement, you don’t always have the freedom to respond authentically.
So, you mask.
You swallow the frustration. You keep smiling. And you carry that stress home.
Sometimes the mask isn’t about pretending to be someone you’re not.
It’s about protecting yourself in an environment where being fully human doesn’t feel safe.
What Do You Do When You’re Exhausted from Pretending?
If you’re feeling overwhelmed at work, learning how to manage work stress isn’t just about taking deeper breaths.
Start by asking yourself:
What am I pretending doesn’t bother me?
Notice where you’re repeatedly dismissing your own discomfort to maintain peace or protect your professional image.
What happens when I stop pretending?
Consider whether your workplace actually makes room for disagreement, vulnerability, or reasonable boundaries. Be realistic about the consequences of speaking up.
What support or change do I need?
That might mean documenting concerning interactions, renegotiating responsibilities, seeking support, or exploring whether the environment remains healthy for you.
And remember: not everything can be fixed individually. Systems level change is also necessary in many instances.
You Don’t Have to Disappear to Succeed
We love talking about mental health at work.
But supporting employee well-being requires more than wellness webinars and reminders to practice self-care. It requires examining the cultures, leadership behaviors, and expectations that contribute to work burnout in the first place.
Because you cannot keep asking people to be resilient while refusing to address what’s wearing them down.
You deserve a workplace where being human doesn’t threaten your credibility.
And if you’re performing “fine” while falling apart inside, perhaps the problem isn’t that you’re struggling to keep the mask on. Perhaps it’s that you’ve been expected to wear one for far too long.
Tired of performing “fine”?
At Renewed Focus Psychology Services, we work with high-achieving women who are exhausted from holding it all together. We also partner with organizations ready to examine the workplace cultures and expectations contributing to that exhaustion.
Whether you’re seeking therapy or looking to create a healthier workplace, let’s talk.
