By: Melanie Gibbons, LAC Renewed Focus, Staff Psychotherapist
So, let’s talk about the holidays. The most wonderful time of the year, right? But if we’re being honest? Sometimes, it’s more like a three-ring circus starring your nosy aunt, your passive-aggressive cousin, and that one family member who always has way too much to say about your life choices.
Sound familiar? Yeah, me too.
As wonderful as family can be, the holidays often come with a side of drama. Add in the pressure to make everything perfect, and you’ve got a recipe for stress with a capital S. But what if I told you this year could be different? What if you could enjoy the season and keep your sanity intact?
Spoiler alert: YOU CAN.
Welcome to your ultimate holiday game plan—your go-to guide for setting boundaries with family and (the tricky part) making sure they stick.
Let’s get into it!
Why Boundaries Are the Secret Sauce to Holiday Bliss
Let’s start with a truth bomb: boundaries are not mean. They’re not selfish. And they’re definitely not about shutting people out. Boundaries are about creating space for your peace, happiness, and emotional well-being—so you can show up as your best self, even when Aunt Carol is three eggnogs deep and asking why you’re still single.
Without boundaries, the holidays can feel like a never-ending episode of “Survivor: Family Edition.” You’re constantly dodging guilt trips, side-eyes, and unsolicited advice about everything from your parenting style to the way you cook the turkey.
Boundaries help you take back control. They’re your personal VIP rope, keeping the chaos at bay and protecting your peace. The reason why boundaries are difficult is because they require you to make a change, not other people. Are people going to test them? Heck yes. Does that mean you should not set them? Absolutely not. Boundaries are your way of saying this is how I am going to act, regardless of whether or not you respect my wishes. Now let’s get into how we start setting these boundaries in the first place.
Step 1: Get Clear on What You Want
Before you can set boundaries, you need to figure out what you actually want from the holidays. This isn’t about what your family expects or what you’ve “always done.” This is about you, boo.
Ask yourself:
- What’s most important to me this holiday season?
- What traditions or activities truly bring me joy?
- What’s been draining or stressful in past years that I want to avoid?
For example, if dragging your kids to three different houses on Christmas Day leaves everyone exhausted and cranky, it’s okay to say, “This year, we’re staying home and keeping it low-key.” Or if you love baking cookies but hate hosting, maybe it’s time to let someone else throw the holiday dinner.
Step 2: Communicate Your Boundaries (With Love, But Also Confidence)
Okay, so you’ve got your list of non-negotiables. Now comes the hard part: telling your family.
Here’s the deal: how you communicate your boundaries matters just as much as the boundaries themselves. Coming in hot with, “I’m not doing *this* or *that* anymore!” will probably lead to defensiveness and drama. Instead, aim for a tone that’s clear, calm, and loving.
Here’s an example:
What Not to Say:
“Stop asking me to bring a dish to dinner. I’m over it!”
What to Say Instead:
“This year, I’m keeping things simple and focusing on my family’s needs. I won’t be bringing a dish, but I’m happy to contribute in other ways!”
It’s all about framing it in a way that feels respectful but firm. And no, you don’t owe anyone a long explanation. “This doesn’t work for me” is a complete sentence.
Step 3: Prepare for Pushback (Because It’s Coming)
Let’s be real—some people don’t take “no” for an answer, especially if they’re used to you saying “yes” all the time. If your family isn’t familiar with boundaries, they might test yours.
Here’s where you’ll need a little practice in standing your ground. The key is to stay calm and consistent. You don’t need to get defensive or argue your case. A simple “I understand, but this is what works for me” can go a long way.
Example Scenarios:
Pushback: “But we’ve always done Christmas at Grandma’s house!”
Your Response: “I know, and I love those memories. This year, we’re starting a new tradition and staying home. We’ll miss you, but we’re excited about this change.”
Pushback: “You can’t *not* come to the family gift exchange!”
Your Response: “I hear you. I’m just feeling stretched thin this year, and skipping the gift exchange feels like the best choice for my mental health.”
Remember: other people’s feelings about your boundaries are *not* your responsibility.
Step 4: Enlist Your Ride-or-Dies
Every boundary-setting queen needs a hype squad. Whether it’s your partner, your bestie, or that cousin who always gets it, surround yourself with people who’ll back you up when things get tricky.
Let them know your plans and ask for their support. If you’re navigating co-parenting during the holidays (shoutout to all my co-parents!), make sure you and your co-parent are on the same page about schedules and expectations. Consistency is key.
Step 5: Set Boundaries with Yourself, Too
This one’s sneaky but important. Sometimes, we’re our own worst enemies when it comes to boundaries. We say “no” to others but then feel guilty and overextend ourselves anyway. (Hello, signing up for that last-minute bake sale because you didn’t want to disappoint anyone.)
Let’s make a pact right now: no more self-sabotage. If you set a boundary, respect it. Practice saying “no” to yourself when you’re tempted to take on more than you can handle.
Bonus Tips for Surviving Holiday Boundary-Setting
- Blame Me if You Need To: “My therapist said I need to set limits this year.” I’ll take the fall—it’s fine!
- Have a Go-To Escape Plan: Visiting family and need a breather? Step outside for some “air,” a.k.a. 10 minutes of scrolling TikTok in your car. No judgment.
- Keep Your Sense of Humor: When Uncle Bob starts ranting about politics, smile, sip your wine, and silently replay your favorite Beyoncé song in your head.
What If They Just Don’t Get It?
Let’s face it: some family members will never understand your boundaries, no matter how lovingly you explain them. And that’s okay. Their lack of understanding doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
In these cases, you might need to create some extra space. That could mean limiting contact during the holidays or choosing not to engage when the boundary-pushing starts. Protecting your peace isn’t just okay—it’s necessary.
How I Can Help
If the thought of setting boundaries makes you break out in a cold sweat, don’t worry—you’re not alone. So many of us (especially women) are taught to prioritize everyone else’s needs over our own. But here’s the thing: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love, and it’s something I can help you master.
As a therapist who specializes in working with women of color, moms, and couples, I understand the unique challenges that come with navigating family dynamics, especially during the holidays. In therapy, we can work on:
- Building your confidence to set and maintain boundaries
- Handling guilt or pushback with grace
- Strengthening your communication skills
- Unpacking deeper issues that might be holding you back
Imagine stepping into the holidays feeling empowered, calm, and ready to enjoy the season on your terms. It’s possible, and I’d love to help you get there.
Let’s Make This Holiday Season Different
The holidays don’t have to be stressful. With a solid game plan, a little practice, and a whole lot of self-love, you can enjoy the season without feeling pulled in a million directions.
Ready to take the first step? Reach out today, and let’s chat about how I can support you in creating the peaceful, joyful holiday you deserve.
