When Your Teen Says School is “Fine”
by Tiffanie Brown, LCSW You ask your teen how school was. “Fine.” You ask if anything happened. “No.” You ask if they are okay. “Yeah.” And yet, something about them or their tone tells you that school is definitely not fine. Maybe they walked into the house and immediately went to their bedroom. Maybe their tone is more curt than usual. Maybe they barely touched dinner or were unusually quiet. Maybe you have noticed they have suddenly become irritated over something that normally would not bother them. For parents, knowing how to talk to your teen when you sense something is wrong can be incredibly difficult. Your instinct may be to keep asking questions until you figure out what happened. But before you know it, concern can turn into an interrogation. Your anxiety or worry began to peak, and the questions are nonstop. “What happened?” “Did somebody say something?” “Was it your teacher?” “Are you being bullied?” “Did you get a bad grade?” “Why won’t you just tell me?” The intention is usually loving, stemming from a place of “I can tell you’re hurting, and I want to help.” But all your teen may hear is: I need you to explain yourself right now! One of the challenges of parenting teens is learning how to notice emotional cues without immediately demanding emotional clarity. This can become especially important during transitions, when back-to-school stress, changing friendships, academic pressure, and social expectations can affect teen mental health in ways that aren’t always obvious. I’m Tiffanie Brown, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and adolescent specialist, specializing in trauma, anxiety, emotional regulation, and the experiences of adolescents and young adults. Throughout my work providing therapy and teen counseling, I’ve seen how easily parents and teenagers can get stuck in the same cycle. A parent notices something is wrong and moves closer. The teenager feels overwhelmed and pulls away. The parent becomes more concerned and asks more questions. The teenager shuts down even further. Neither person is necessarily doing anything wrong. Often, both are trying to find safety in different ways. Helping families interrupt that cycle begins with understanding that communication does not always start with talking. Is “I don’t know” the truth? Adults sometimes forget that identifying and naming emotions is a skill, and teenagers are still developing that skill. Teen emotional regulation isn’t simply about teaching young people how to calm down. Before teens can effectively manage an emotion, they often need to develop the ability to recognize what they’re feeling, understand what may have triggered it, and eventually find language for the experience. Your teen may recognize that they feel “off” without being able to distinguish whether they are disappointed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, rejected, anxious, angry, lonely, exhausted, or some combination of all of them. This can be particularly challenging for teens experiencing teen anxiety or significant school stress. Imagine genuinely not knowing what is wrong and having someone repeatedly ask you to explain it. Eventually, the pressure to produce an answer can become more frustrating than the original emotion. Instead of assuming your teen is withholding something, consider that they may still be trying to understand it themselves. Try: “You seem a little quieter than usual. You don’t have to talk about it right now, but I’m here if you want to.” This communicates two important things: I noticed you, and you have some control over when we talk. Next: How you regulate your nervous system during this waiting period is just as important as giving your teen the space they need. Stay in Observation Mode Sometimes parents ask me about the signs your teen is struggling with and how to distinguish normal adolescent behavior from something that deserves more attention. Please understand that there isn’t one universal sign. Instead, look for teen behavior changes and patterns that are different from what is typical for your child. You may notice changes in: One bad afternoon does not necessarily mean something serious is happening. Teens have bad days, too. Instead, pay attention to patterns, intensity, duration, and changes from your teen’s baseline. For example, a teenager who has always loved spending time alone in their bedroom is different from a teenager who suddenly stops communicating with friends, quits activities they previously enjoyed, and spends most of their free time isolated. And when you notice something, start with an observation rather than a conclusion. Try: “I noticed you’ve been going straight to your room after school this week.” Instead of: “You’ve been isolating yourself. What’s going on with you?” The difference is one creates an opening, and the other may immediately put your teen in a position to defend themselves. Be Mindful of Quick of Judgment of Statements Imagine your teen finally tells you something happened with a friend and your first response is: “I told you that friend was trouble. Why would you do that? You should’ve known better; You’re being too sensitive. Why didn’t you tell someone?” Even when parents intend to help, responses like these can unintentionally teach teenagers: If I tell you what happened, I’m going to have to defend myself. Learning how to talk to your teen sometimes means practicing curiosity before giving advice. Try: “That sounds complicated. What happened next?” “What part bothered you the most?” “What did you need in that moment?” Or one of my favorites: “Do you want me to listen, or do you want help figuring out what to do?” Sometimes your teenager wants a solution. Sometimes they want somewhere safe to put the feeling. Those are different needs. Resist 1,000 Questions Your teen finally says: “My friend and I aren’t really talking right now.” And suddenly you want the entire story. “What happened? Since when? What did they say? What did you say? Did this happen at lunch? Did someone else get involved?” Your teen may immediately think, and this is why I didn’t want to say anything! Remember, you don’t have to learn the whole story in one conversation. Try
