by Tiffanie Brown, LCSW-R
Every January, we’re handed the same script: New year, new you. We are flooded with social media images of what we are leaving behind in 2025 and the goals we are setting for 2026. It seems so simple: Set your goals. Write them down. Manifest. Grind. Repeat.
And yet, by December, many of us look back and realize only a handful, if any, of those goals were actually met. Someone please cue the shame spiral.
“I didn’t try hard enough. I lack discipline. Something must be wrong with me.”
We immediately jump into self-criticism and shameful scripts. But here’s the truth y’all, if goal setting makes you anxious, overwhelmed, or frozen, it’s not because you’re lazy, unmotivated, or incapable.
The problem is most of us were taught a very specific version of goal setting where we create lists and are expected to execute. It goes something like this:
- Grab a piece of paper.
- Write a list of things you want to accomplish.
- Maybe say them out loud or make a vision board if you’re feeling fancy.
- Then… somehow make it happen.
What’s often missing from the goal-setting process are the very things that make goals feel doable, safe, and sustainable. Safety might seem like an odd word to pair with goal setting, but it matters more than you think. I’ll explain this more in a moment.
What we’re rarely taught is the importance of having a regulated nervous system when we set goals. When your nervous system is dysregulated, it becomes much harder to think clearly, pace yourself, and create realistic steps toward what you want. Instead, goals can feel overwhelming, rigid, or impossible to maintain.
Regulating your nervous system also means understanding your emotional capacity, how much you can realistically hold, manage, and commit to at any given time. Keep reading, because I’ll share some questions to help you assess your capacity.
And finally, goals aren’t meant to be pursued in isolation. We also need systems of accountability. Yes – this is where the cheerleaders come in. Support, encouragement, and check-ins can make the difference between burning out and following through.
When Goals Become Pressure Instead of Possibility
For many people, especially high-functioning, anxious, trauma-impacted, or neurodivergent folks, goal setting doesn’t feel inspiring. It feels activating. The moment the list is written, pressure kicks in: Now I have to stand on business!
But how do you put this into practice if no one ever explained how to do it? No one ever handed you a script or asked if your nervous system was even in a place to sustain change?
Traditional goal setting relies heavily on black and white thinking, rigid timelines, and endless checklists. While checklists can be helpful for some, for many others, especially my neuro-spicy folks, they become a visual reminder of everything you haven’t done yet.
The list grows. Motivation shrinks. Avoidance increases. Anxiety spikes. And there goes your dysregulated nervous system.
Suddenly, what was supposed to be about growth becomes another arena where you feel behind, inadequate, or overwhelmed. If this sounds like you, this blog is for you.
My name is Tiffanie Brown, a licensed clinical social worker. I specialize in uncovering what is getting you stuck and helping you create new tools to obtain the life you keep talking about! Together we will talk directly to the inner critic that shames and bullies you when life starts life-ing.
Before We Set Goals, Let’s Regulate
Ok! Ready, Set, Go…
Grab a pen, some paper, and a cup of Ashwagandha or Chamomile tea.
Take a breath and inhale the aroma of your hot tea. Allow it to envelope your senses. Take a small sip and hold it on your tongue, allowing the warmth to soothe your cheeks. Swallow slowly. Repeat.
Now, let’s talk about setting goals……differently.
If your body feels tense, rushed, or resistant right now, that’s not a problem; it’s information. Goal setting should not begin in a state of activation. When your nervous system is dysregulated, your brain shifts into survival mode, not planning mode.
Many of us jump straight into goal setting without checking in with ourselves first. We treat it as a task to complete rather than an internal process to engage with. If your body associates goals with pressure, criticism, or failure, it will push back, often through procrastination, avoidance, or anxiety.
So, before we talk about what you want to do this year, we have to acknowledge how you’ve been carrying things.
Ask yourself:
- How has my body been feeling lately: tired, tense, numb, or overwhelmed?
- What has this past year required of me emotionally, mentally, and physically?
- Am I trying to set goals from depletion or from clarity?
There is no right answer. This is just about honesty, not productivity.
Step One: Shift From Goals to Intentions
Instead of starting with what you want to accomplish, start with how you want to feel and live. Goals are outcome-driven. Intentions are relationship-driven.
An intention asks: How do I want to move through my life this year?
A goal asks: What must I produce to feel successful?
In the examples below, I want you to pay attention to the change in emotions as we shift the language from goal to intention.
- Instead of “I want to lose 20 pounds,” an intention might be: I want to treat my body with consistency and respect.
- Instead of “I want to make more money,” an intention might be: I want to feel less financial stress and more agency.
- Instead of “I want to stop procrastinating,” an intention might be: I want to understand what I avoid and why.
Intentions give you room to adjust without self-punishment. They honor your humanity instead of demanding perfection. And remember, perfection does not exist!
Because our body is listening to our brain, we can see the power of shifting our language to assist with regulating our nervous system.
Step Two: Break the Goal Down Until It Feels Almost Too Easy
I mentioned this earlier, the importance of creating realistic steps and emotional capacity checks. One of the biggest reasons our goals trigger anxiety is because we start way too big. I am not telling you not to have BIG GOALS and DREAMS, but when a goal feels vague or massive, your nervous system interprets it as a threat. That’s when you freeze, avoid, or abandon it altogether.
So, here’s the rule:
If the step feels heavy, it’s still too big.
Ask yourself:
- What is the smallest possible action I could take?
- What would feel doable on my hardest week, not my best one?
- What step requires the least amount of emotional labor?
Progress doesn’t require urgency. It requires steps your body can tolerate.
Learning to tune into your body, and truly listen to what it’s communicating, is so important. Before we move forward, let’s pause and engage in some gentle stretching.
Lift both arms over your head and reach toward the ceiling. Notice the stretch through your shoulders and arms as your chest opens, and your lungs expand.
Now, take a slow, deep breath in… hold for four seconds… and then exhale slowly for six seconds. Let your body soften as you release it.
Step Three: Create Accountability That Feels Safe
Accountability is not about pressure or public performance. True accountability is about support, reflection, and consistency.
Ask yourself:
- Who can check in with me without judgment? How often do I want check-ins?
- Who can help me reality-check when I’m too rigid or self-critical?
- Who can remind me of my intention when I slip into all-or-nothing thinking?
This might be a therapist, a trusted friend, a family member, or even a weekly written check-in with yourself. Accountability works best when it keeps you connected, not when it makes you feel watched.
Step Four: Expect Resistance and Don’t Pathologize It
If anxiety, avoidance, or self-doubt show up once you begin working toward a goal, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means something important has been activated.
Rather than forcing your way through it, pause and get curious. What is the resistance trying to tell you? Resistance is often protective; it guards parts of you that learned it wasn’t safe to want more, try something new, or risk being disappointed.
In my work with clients, we take time to uncover and gently challenge these internal narratives. It is so common amongst the women I see. When resistance shows up, it’s frequently carrying the voice of a stern grandmother, a strict coach, or an anxious parent activating old messages that once served a purpose but may no longer fit the life you’re trying to build. Ask Yourself:
- What am I afraid will happen if this actually works?
- What part of me feels threatened by change?
- What old story is being activated right now?
When resistance is met with curiosity instead of criticism, it softens, and movement becomes possible again.
The goal of this blog is to help you learn to rewrite your goals with compassion, with intention, with support, and within your reality. You don’t need a new version of yourself. You need a safer relationship with the one you already are.
This year doesn’t require more pressure. It requires more compassion.
So, take your time. Sip your tea. Breathe, Stretch, and Write gently.
And remember, goals aren’t meant to control you. They’re meant to support you.
If this sounds like you, Ms. Queen of Goal Setting, then let’s do some work and get you ALL-The -Way together this year! Reach out for a consultation at @hello@renewedfocus.com and ask for Tiffanie or click this link!
