By Melissa Robinson-Brown, PhD Renewed Focus Founder & Executive Director
Do you ever catch yourself saying things like, “If I can’t spend at least 60 minutes at the gym, might as well just skip it today”
“If they really cared about me, I wouldn’t have to explain myself”
“If I walk away from this relationship right now, I’ve wasted years of my life” or
“I can’t change careers right now. I just spent half my life getting this degree.”
Girl….it’s not just you….I’ve been there too!
That’s the quiet voice behind so many spirals—especially when you’re already in a low place.
What is All or Nothing Thinking?
All-or-nothing thinking is one of those sneaky habits that looks like high standards on the outside, but behind the scenes? It’s doing real damage. It makes you question your progress, invalidate your own wins, and hold yourself hostage to an imaginary finish line.
Like:
- “If I don’t lose all 50 pounds, this whole journey was a waste.”
- “If I didn’t get the promotion, none of my hard work matters.”
- “If my house isn’t spotless, I failed at adulting today.”
It’s exhausting. And even worse? It’s a major fuel source for depression.
Black-and-White Thinking Isn’t Helping You Thrive—It’s Keeping You Stuck
We live in a culture that pushes extremes. Hustle or rest. Grind or give up. Win or fail.
But real life? It’s all about the gray. The messy, in-between, still-figuring-it-out-but-showing-up-anyway kind of space. Like the other day, I was enjoying a sunny day outside and I was longing for a glass of champagne. It was one of the first super warm days of the year. While on my fitness journey, I have made the conscious decision to drink far less. But you know what…I grabbed a high protein yogurt (15 g for the win), grabbed my glass of champagne, added a strawberry (yay for some fiber), and filled my 40 oz water cup and added electrolytes. Cause look here…I refuse to be that person who restricts to the point that I can’t just enjoy life.
And if you struggle with depression—or even just feel chronically overwhelmed, uninspired, or lowkey numb—you might be stuck in some all or nothing vibes and this type of thinking isn’t helping. It can turn small setbacks into full-blown shame spirals. It magnifies every imperfection and filters out your progress.
It doesn’t leave room for growth. Or humanity. Or softness. Or joy.
So What’s the Alternative?
Learning to live in the gray is uncomfortable—especially when no one taught you how.
But here’s what that might look like:
- You didn’t clean the whole kitchen. You DID loaded the dishwasher. That counts.
- You didn’t feel like working out. Your body craved a walk, so you took one. That counts.
- You didn’t knock out the whole to-do list. You crossed off 3 major things. That counts, too!
I even took the “buts” out of these sentences because even the BUT can end up making you discount the progress that you have made.
Progress doesn’t have to be perfect to be powerful. Read that again.
When you start giving yourself space to be in process, you make room for momentum. You give yourself permission to feel proud—even when things aren’t tied up in a bow.
And slowly? The shame lifts. The pressure eases. And you might even start to enjoy your life again—on your terms.
Let’s Talk Science (Because the Brain Doesn’t Lie)
A 2020 study in Frontiers in Psychology linked all-or-nothing thinking (aka “dichotomous thinking”) with higher levels of depressive symptoms. The more rigid your thought patterns, the more intense the depression tends to be.
This isn’t about being dramatic or lazy or weak—it’s literally how your brain gets stuck in loops.
And it’s not permanent.
With intention, support, and practice, those patterns can be rewired. Yayyyyy…thank goodness! You aren’t doomed to think and live this way forever.
What If You Could Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living in Peace?
Letting go of black-and-white thinking doesn’t mean lowering your standards. It means freeing yourself from the belief that only one version of success or happiness is valid.
It’s choosing self-trust over self-criticism. Grace over guilt. Curiosity over shame.
And honestly? That’s where the healing begins. That’s where life starts to feel like yours again.
Feeling this?
If you’re tired of the pressure to get it all right, and you’re craving a space where you don’t have to prove your worth to be seen and supported—we got you.
Our practice offers culturally competent, real-talk depression counseling in NY & NJ (all virtual). Need help outside of these states, hit us up, we might be able to help you!
